i must have more thoughts than this...
sometimes it all goes blank. a void. you get so busy with the slave-to-the-wage hours that the mind just forgets to think. maybe it just has so much going on in the background it just prioritises for you. who knows. i read so many other blogs which are inspiring, i wonder why the hell i bother with so little substance running through the head. at the same time i find some blog by a 30 something chic who seems to fill her days trying to get her rack out in public and organising swingers evenings with her hubby. swings and roundabouts. no matter how superficial you feel the shear fact you actually acknowledge the fact lifts you a centremeter or two above shite-level. funnily enough, this acknowledgement can also sour the deal on you. hubris can kick in. 'i think therefore i'm better that you' kind of philosopy. an easy trap for an easy mind. lucky i'm better than that...shit, where did this dirty great hole that i just fell into come from. it's that easy.
i stopped drinking recently. it was a slow process as i said the same thing a year ago at my 30th. i didn't drink too much but i've got to the point where it makes the thought process not go as i'd wish. no grandstanding over it, in fact i'm jealous of people who can. i just can't do it anymore. i don't like what i become when i do. it'd be ok if i had some sort of shut-off valve. a part of the brain that said 'you've had enough brother' but i don't. two drinks in and the brain goes 'hey, two feels this good, let's see where fifteen get's you!'. the same went for smoking - pot and tobacco. kicked pot in the arse ten years ago. cigarettes were about six i guess. i'd go through a pack a day, up to three if i hit the piss and stayed out til the next morn. still, i've got my 30 cups of coffee a day as well as my mobile phone on permanent standby so the tumor is still in the post.
the thing is, i struggle to relax socially. even in a party where 80% of the group are friends i get on edge. can't relax. a few beers in and i'm having a ball, you can't shut me up. this is the hardest hurdle, for me at least. to almost reinvent yourself as a socially capable, confident persona. man, if confidence were a currency i'd be begging for change on street corners in the bad side of town. it aint easy. then again, it's a challenge and maybe that's worth it's weight in dried foodstuffs. i guess i'll work it out or crawl into exile behind yet another cathode-ray dream replacer.
something about turning thirty. no sense of under-achievement, well no more than most. more a sense of time slipping. the 'what i want to do' verses 'what i have to do' verses what's easiest. it's easy to hit the piss and blame the world for not helping you out with what you want in life. it's considerably harder to face up to your own life and actually work towards what you want. even just work out what you want in the first. finding that balance between it all is where the difficulty lies.
quote for the day:
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream
and he sometimes wondered whose it was and
whether they were enjoying it."
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
i stopped drinking recently. it was a slow process as i said the same thing a year ago at my 30th. i didn't drink too much but i've got to the point where it makes the thought process not go as i'd wish. no grandstanding over it, in fact i'm jealous of people who can. i just can't do it anymore. i don't like what i become when i do. it'd be ok if i had some sort of shut-off valve. a part of the brain that said 'you've had enough brother' but i don't. two drinks in and the brain goes 'hey, two feels this good, let's see where fifteen get's you!'. the same went for smoking - pot and tobacco. kicked pot in the arse ten years ago. cigarettes were about six i guess. i'd go through a pack a day, up to three if i hit the piss and stayed out til the next morn. still, i've got my 30 cups of coffee a day as well as my mobile phone on permanent standby so the tumor is still in the post.
the thing is, i struggle to relax socially. even in a party where 80% of the group are friends i get on edge. can't relax. a few beers in and i'm having a ball, you can't shut me up. this is the hardest hurdle, for me at least. to almost reinvent yourself as a socially capable, confident persona. man, if confidence were a currency i'd be begging for change on street corners in the bad side of town. it aint easy. then again, it's a challenge and maybe that's worth it's weight in dried foodstuffs. i guess i'll work it out or crawl into exile behind yet another cathode-ray dream replacer.
something about turning thirty. no sense of under-achievement, well no more than most. more a sense of time slipping. the 'what i want to do' verses 'what i have to do' verses what's easiest. it's easy to hit the piss and blame the world for not helping you out with what you want in life. it's considerably harder to face up to your own life and actually work towards what you want. even just work out what you want in the first. finding that balance between it all is where the difficulty lies.
quote for the day:
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream
and he sometimes wondered whose it was and
whether they were enjoying it."
- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
posted by brent c. airey at 8:46 AM
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