this is your subconscious calling

we spend a great deal of time chasing the chattels of an apparent successful life. the goods that will define us to the outside and inside worlds. it becomes, or i should say has become in my experience more of a dividing line as i've got older. initially your life is one of promise and constant flux. of aiming and planning, floating and dreaming. but one day you suddenly think, the day of promise, the future you aimed at is already here. you go from being someone that had potential to just someone.

that isn't meant to sound as negative as it does so bare with me. all i mean is that when you bridge the gap, cross the invisible line of teen-to-young-adult to a fully fledged 'sir' or 'maam' you go from potential-you to what you are. that's not to say there isn't constant potential and possibility with every waking day but as you enter the world of mortgage, early-mid career, marriage, kids and car loans the potential becomes less easy to grasp. it becomes easy to let the dreams go as some kind of childish naivety. that's also not to say what you are isn't good, it's just never quite what you were expecting.

so along come the goods, as an ever-present reminder of how damn well you're doing. the new car, the jewellery, the 'right' dvd collection, the cd collection, the 'important' authors sitting untouched on that imported designer bookshelf modular unit, at least i think that's a bookshelf? another angle is the fitness trip, the gym membership and the unfortunate attraction to sleeveless t's. maybe you're the coke fan hanging at whatever club makes the coolest statement this week. the filler and padding of modern life.

does the collection of filler and need to appear a success to the outside world show a shallowness on the inside or simply a lack of knowing what else to do? the real problem is that the moment you've grabbed one more ornament you're already bored and looking for the next. if nothing else it's a very real issue that you may find yourself reading one or all of those fucking catalogues the mail box is stuffed full of every other day.

is there more though? is it naive to think life is meant to be a tad deeper? is life meant to be anything at all except the continuance of itself. probably not, but inbetween the starters pistol and the final skinny fucker in a cowl who's "come from the village about some reaping or some such" there's opportunity for more than dying with the most toys. it's really what get's you through the day and far be it from any fucker to dictate the rules of life's engagement.

so the truth lies someplace inside. probably right next to the colon. fuck the 'why am i here' and 'what can i buy while i am ambulatory' and focus more on what is it i want to be doing while i am taking space? many people never worry about this shite and have a great time. fuckers.

quotes for the day:
"Being an adult is really challenging. When you're young, you can rely for so long on being promising, and then you have to stop being promising. You want to say, 'Hey, can't I be promising any more?"
- Ethan Hawke
"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people."
- Bill Hicks (1961 - 1994)
"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape.”"
- William S. Burroughs (1914 - 1997)